My Husband Is Forcing Me to Choose Between Our Kid and Our Marriage. This Is Impossible.
This affects the entire country.
Care and Feeding
My Husband Is Forcing Me to Choose Between Our Kid and Our Marriage. This Is Impossible.
It’s a cruel ultimatum.
Advice by
Michelle Herman
Jan 24, 20268:00 AM
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Rani Nurlaela Desandi/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Liubomyr Vorona/iStock/Getty Images Plus.
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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are at an impasse about our 23-year-old son. He went away to college for a year after high school, then left and came home. He’s lived at home on and off and has taken some classes at a local college for the past few years. He now wants to move back home to finish school.
My husband doesn’t want him to come back. He feels that our son is entitled and immature, and will become a stay-at-home son, dragging out his schooling and anchoring us in place. I understand his concerns, and I’ve suggested setting a time limit for our son before he has to move on. But my husband says that he can’t live in the same house with our son, and if he comes home, my husband will leave. I feel like I’m being forced to choose between my child and my marriage.
—No-Win Situation
Dear No-Win,
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You don’t just feel like you’re being forced to make this choice: Your husband actually is making you choose. Which, if you ask me (and you did ask me, right?), is awful of him. Possibly unforgivable. This is your child. At 23, he’s still in the process of becoming who he’s going to be. Wanting to move back home so that he can finish school doesn’t seem to me “entitled” or immature, so unless there’s a lot of untold backstory here that supports your husband’s convictions … well, those convictions just seem unfeeling and selfish to me.
I think it’s reasonable to set some structures in place around your son’s homecoming—his contributions, whether material or not, to the household (certainly including his share of housekeeping and other tasks that keep things running), and a rough plan for what will happen once he graduates. But forbidding him to come home? If your husband really means it when he says he’ll leave if this happens, I say let him leave. Why would you want to stay marr…
This affects the entire country.
Care and Feeding
My Husband Is Forcing Me to Choose Between Our Kid and Our Marriage. This Is Impossible.
It’s a cruel ultimatum.
Advice by
Michelle Herman
Jan 24, 20268:00 AM
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Rani Nurlaela Desandi/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Liubomyr Vorona/iStock/Getty Images Plus.
Copy Link
Share
Share
Comment
Copy Link
Share
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Comment
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are at an impasse about our 23-year-old son. He went away to college for a year after high school, then left and came home. He’s lived at home on and off and has taken some classes at a local college for the past few years. He now wants to move back home to finish school.
My husband doesn’t want him to come back. He feels that our son is entitled and immature, and will become a stay-at-home son, dragging out his schooling and anchoring us in place. I understand his concerns, and I’ve suggested setting a time limit for our son before he has to move on. But my husband says that he can’t live in the same house with our son, and if he comes home, my husband will leave. I feel like I’m being forced to choose between my child and my marriage.
—No-Win Situation
Dear No-Win,
Popular in
Advice
This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only
New People Always Hate Me When They Find Out What I “Do.” It’s Not My Fault!
This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only
Help! There’s an Unspoken Rule About What Makes a “Good Woman.” It All Comes Down to One Chore.
You don’t just feel like you’re being forced to make this choice: Your husband actually is making you choose. Which, if you ask me (and you did ask me, right?), is awful of him. Possibly unforgivable. This is your child. At 23, he’s still in the process of becoming who he’s going to be. Wanting to move back home so that he can finish school doesn’t seem to me “entitled” or immature, so unless there’s a lot of untold backstory here that supports your husband’s convictions … well, those convictions just seem unfeeling and selfish to me.
I think it’s reasonable to set some structures in place around your son’s homecoming—his contributions, whether material or not, to the household (certainly including his share of housekeeping and other tasks that keep things running), and a rough plan for what will happen once he graduates. But forbidding him to come home? If your husband really means it when he says he’ll leave if this happens, I say let him leave. Why would you want to stay marr…
My Husband Is Forcing Me to Choose Between Our Kid and Our Marriage. This Is Impossible.
This affects the entire country.
Care and Feeding
My Husband Is Forcing Me to Choose Between Our Kid and Our Marriage. This Is Impossible.
It’s a cruel ultimatum.
Advice by
Michelle Herman
Jan 24, 20268:00 AM
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Rani Nurlaela Desandi/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Liubomyr Vorona/iStock/Getty Images Plus.
Copy Link
Share
Share
Comment
Copy Link
Share
Share
Comment
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are at an impasse about our 23-year-old son. He went away to college for a year after high school, then left and came home. He’s lived at home on and off and has taken some classes at a local college for the past few years. He now wants to move back home to finish school.
My husband doesn’t want him to come back. He feels that our son is entitled and immature, and will become a stay-at-home son, dragging out his schooling and anchoring us in place. I understand his concerns, and I’ve suggested setting a time limit for our son before he has to move on. But my husband says that he can’t live in the same house with our son, and if he comes home, my husband will leave. I feel like I’m being forced to choose between my child and my marriage.
—No-Win Situation
Dear No-Win,
Popular in
Advice
This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only
New People Always Hate Me When They Find Out What I “Do.” It’s Not My Fault!
This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only
Help! There’s an Unspoken Rule About What Makes a “Good Woman.” It All Comes Down to One Chore.
You don’t just feel like you’re being forced to make this choice: Your husband actually is making you choose. Which, if you ask me (and you did ask me, right?), is awful of him. Possibly unforgivable. This is your child. At 23, he’s still in the process of becoming who he’s going to be. Wanting to move back home so that he can finish school doesn’t seem to me “entitled” or immature, so unless there’s a lot of untold backstory here that supports your husband’s convictions … well, those convictions just seem unfeeling and selfish to me.
I think it’s reasonable to set some structures in place around your son’s homecoming—his contributions, whether material or not, to the household (certainly including his share of housekeeping and other tasks that keep things running), and a rough plan for what will happen once he graduates. But forbidding him to come home? If your husband really means it when he says he’ll leave if this happens, I say let him leave. Why would you want to stay marr…
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